Sunday, September 13, 2009

2009 MTV VMAS

So watching the VMAs, I took detailed notes of what was happening, and my reactions to it, so that I could compose them all into a well thought out, well written post about the show. I have three pages of notes. Oh man. And I just read through them and you know what? They're kind of hysterical as they are. Half formed sentences and all, they're my immediate reaction to what was happening. I wondered if I could really post them in that format, because they're all scattered and strange, but you know what? This is my blog and I can do that! So here are my VMA notes, about 30 minutes after the VMAs. Enjoy. If you can.

2009 MTV VMAs

Pre-Show

-Lady Gaga arrives looking completely drugged out

-Ashley Green? Alice Cullen? Ooookay.

-Green Day in suits. I approve. They are silly.

-Shakira!

-Wait, Lady Gaga showed up with Kermit? Jim Henson is crying.

-Before we cut to commercial, we just got Man with ax, Andy Samberg, and FOB. ?

-P!nk shows up on a firetruck. This thing is ridiculous. With Carey Hart!

-Lady Gaga is wearing this ridiculous feather and mask thing with Kermit and it’s not even shocking anymore. Don’t defile Kermit by kissing him Gaga! She is so strange.

-3oh!3 yay! They’re funny guys. And dressed in t-shirts and sweatshirts and jeans at the VMAs. Oh man.

-More Twilight people. Don’t care.

-Buzz Aldrin is giving away the breathrough video award and talking about peeing on the moon. He’s talking so slowly. Poor man. He can’t keep up and he has no idea what the videos he’s announcing are. Aww, Buzzy. Matt and Kim win. Buzz has no idea what’s happening here. “Those kids and their rock music!”

-A small band of kids previously danced. K.

-Taylor Swift just showed up in a Cinderella carriage! She’s so cute. The horses’ names are “V and MA.” She looks pretty, but I wish the dress had a little more structure.

-Now we’re watching camera phone videos from fans and that looks like… one of the Olsen twins? Beyonce? Shakira?

-Justin Bieber. P.Diddy is next to him looking imposing. They just switched to some girl in a bright t-shirt talking while Diddy talks. What is going on? Dirty Money? What is happening?

-Alicia Keys! She looks gorgeous and she is so well spoken and poised.

-Kristin Cavalleri. Don’t care.

-Cobra Starship shows up on a party bus. They look very put together. “If you had to take any of the celebrities on the tour bus with you, who would it be?” “Taylor Swift because she’s so good, we gotta make her go bad.” GABE SAPORTA YOU KILL ME.

-“Fame” cast. Fame music video. Skip.

-Jermaine Jackson. In a snazzy coat. His hair looks like a fake plastic head of hair.

-Fefe Dobson.

-Pink and Shakira ARE wearing the same dress. I thought I was crazy.

-J. Lo. Silly jacket that looks like she’s binding her arms down. Is J. Lo relevant anymore?

-Beyonce. How does Beyonce have 9 nominations? Is SHE still relevant?

-Leighton Meester. Very silver dress. “You’re nominated for…” No, COBRA is nominated for. VMAs. Get it straight.

-Best video that should have won a moonman: Beastie Boys – “Sabotage”

Show

-Madonna? She is ABSOLUTELY no longer relevant. Oh. Michael Jackson tribute. She lists her similarities to MJ. And then the not similarities. “I never had a mother, but he never had a childhood.” “He seemed otherworldy but he was also human.” I don’t think I can sum up this speech. It’s a lot of comparing MJ to Madonna, a little self centered, and a bit of a magnification of a friendship that wasn’t there. “I had abandoned him.” “There will never be anyone like him again. He was a king. But he was also a human being, and alas we are all human beings, and sometimes we have to lose things before we can truly appreciate them.” “Long Live the King.” It was actually a touching speech, but I feel her delivery was poor.

-They recreate the dances from a lot of Michael’s videos while they play in the background. Then they go to that song he did with Janet, and she comes out and lip synchs along with it. I have no tolerance for lip synching. They end on a picture of Michael and Janet and she bows and walks off stage.

-Katy Perry rises up on the stage singing “We Will Rock You” while someone I should recognize plays the guitar amazingly. I love her, I do, but her voice isn’t so great live. Oh, never mind, she picked it up. Maybe she was just shaky at the beginning, now she’s got it. Oh yeah. Russell Brand is hosting. I don’t really care for Russell Brand. He looks like the mad hatter. Guitarist is “Joe.”

-Brand makes a rude joke about Perry. Yup. And here we go with the political statements. Okay, he’s saying the male dominated media is putting down Lady Gaga. No, girls are doing it too (hi!). And he’s making jokes about her being a hermaphrodite and him hanging his hat on her… yeah. And now a joke about his “sack of magic and wand.” Sigh I want music videos, not dirty men! Taylor Swift looks horrified. Free health care jab. Oh man they’re cutting his mic because he’s saying nasty things.

-House band. They tell him he’s saying crazy things. Good!

-Shakira and Taylor… something from Twilight present Best Female Video. I so want Katy Perry or Taylor Swift or P!nk to win. Love all three of those videos. TAYLOR SWIFT WON!!! She looks completely blown away. She beat Gaga and Beyonce! Yes! I love this video. “I sing country music…” Kanye comes out and pulls the mic from Taylor and talks about Beyonce having the best video ever and poor Taylor looks uncomfortable and scared. The crowd gets up and cheers for Taylor Swift and the handlers take her off stage. That was ridiculous and so uncalled for. He just ruined her moment. Remember when P!ATD won and some guy stole the mic. This was possibly worse than that.

-When Russell Brand tells you off for bad behavior….

-Jack Black presents best rock video with Leighton Meester. Oh, Jack is the guy with the ax and fake muscles. They pray to the gods of metal. Coldplay should win this (good video) but I sooo want FOB to win, and think Green Day actually will. Oh, hey Paramore. Green Day wins. Boo. The song isn’t actually that interesting. FOB stands and claps. OH. MARC WEBB directed it. LOVE YOU MARC WEBB but this wasn’t your best collaboration.

-The 15 year old boy Justin gives Taylor Swift props. Win! Taylor Swift perfroms in a subway? Okay, she pre recorded (?) performs in a subway. She’s in a trench coat and cap. And she lip synchs. FAIL VMAs. I guess she’s in a moving subway car full of fans. That might have sounded funny. And she’s running through the streets. When she hits street level they switch to live as she gets up on a taxi. OH! Not prerecorded and there was no way to get the sound from the subway. I SEE. She rocks out on a taxi. Love this.

-3Oh!3 performs with the house band. They sound ridiculous live but I still love the energy. MTV stops the sound every time they say “Ho.”

-Gabe Saporta and Pete Wentz give a huge bro hug on stage after Gabe gets up off one knee. Rock this place, boys! Is this the first time they’ve seen each other all night? They play “Hot Mess” in the background. Pete is wearing a “Please Call Gabe Saporta” t-shirt and threatening to give out Gabe’s number. They fight over Pete’s Jacket. And run off dramatically when there’s breaking glass because…

-Gaga starts off on the floor under a chandelier. She looks completely crazy. She’s on stage in her underwear. She sings “Paparazzi.” But she doesn’t lip synch, so, props to her. There’s a huge poof on her arm. They wheel out a girl in a bejeweled wheelchair. It’s a lingereie mental hospital. She plays the piano. Kind of. She starts bleeding from her bra. And she smears it on her face. And hangs above the stage looking dead.

-AHAHAHA. They flash to Lady Gaga sitting in the crowd again and oh my god. She’s wearing this big red crown with a big red shroud over it that covers her. It’s so insane and crazy red lace death what?

-Brand makes a joke about date raping Megan Fox. No one laughs.

-Nelly Furtado and Kristin Cavalleri present Best Pop Video. WANT COBRA TO WIN. WANT WANT WANT. Nelly Furtado is cute. Do not want britney or gaga or beyonce or wisin y yandel (who?). Want want fingers crossed! Britney wins. Britney is not there. She accepts from tour. She’s wearing rhinestones. No cobra win L

-Adam Brody and Megan Fox. Why is she considered the prettiest girl ever? I don’t see it? They introduce Green Day.

-Green Day has four people on stage. Confused Alex. Who is number four? I should have gone to see them in Boston. This looks fun. Billie Jo’s hair is having issues. There are random blond chunks… kay. Oh there’s a fourth guy because Billie does a lot more prancing and a lot less guitar playing. You know what though, a band like them couldn’t wipe through the scene today with that kind of raw music and emotion. They were special, at the right time, and made a huge impact. They start pulling people on stage. Security’s gonna hate them. The stage floods with people. Billie Jo gets trampled. But still manages to sing even though we cannot see him at all. Tre looks scared. The crowd lifts Billie Jo up and it is pure rock! I love this! LOVE.

-Pitbull sings with the house band. Uh.

-Twilight people show a twilight trailer. Kristin Stewert cut off all of her hair.

-Chase Crawford and Ne-Yo introduce Beyonce. PUT ON PANTS BEYONCE. She is wearing a long sleeve, huge v-neck leotard. Not lip-synching for a minute. Good. Single ladies dance. Is it considered lip synching if you’re not mouthing along and just dancing to your own song? Back to singing. Lots of women in leotards doing strange dance moves. Robot glove.

-Jamie Lynn Siegler?? And Diddy present – oh hold up. Diddy says: “Eminem and Jay-Z made renegade, Jay-Z gave us Kanye, Kanye kept it going recording with Ne-Yo” and the crowd starts to boo like crazy.” Diddy stops and the crowd starts chanting “Taylor.” What is happening? OHHHHH. Because Kanye was the one who stole the mic from Taylor? Gotcha. Diddy stops his monologue and lets the nominees be announced. TI wins. But he’s in jail. Soooo.

-Alexa Chung and Gerard Butler introduce Muse. It’s their first US TV performance. This is the first BAND that performs all night. I’m not a huge Muse fan, but they put on a great performance.

-One of the kids up for best new artist is “Drake.” Um. That’s totally the kid from Degrassi.

-AAR is performing with the house band when we return from the commercials. Tyson is covered in like, tin foil. Like a dirty wrapped candy. Like a piece of already chewed juicy fruit stuck back in the wrapper. I’d lick it. Closeup: It’s like a shirt of silver glitter. Oh my god. Someone painted Tyson with silver glitter. Me thinks MTV wanted his tattoos covered but he refused to put on a shirt. I approve.

-J Lo presents best hip hop video. Didn’t Jay-Z retire forever ago? I want Asher Roth to win just as a huge upset. Eminem wins. He looks mad. J Lo looks unimpressed. And tries to leave.

-DJ AM tribute by Kid Cudi. DJ AM was at the VMAs last year backing Travis Barker, and it was great. Enough so that a friend was talking about it this summer.

-Tracy Morgan and Eminem present Best New Artist. Neither of them are relevant. There were like 6 awards in two hours. Seriously? Eminem is so over this. Lady Gaga wins. Wait, how did she have nine nominations if there were only like 6 catagories and she wasn’t in all of them. What the hell is this red thing she’s wearing. I can see her underwear. She takes the award for god and the gays. Oh man.

-Serena Williams comes out? Wtf is this show? Next performer is P!nk. She’s dressed as a trapeze artist, blindfolded, and lifted over the stage. She’s singing live. Okay, I can’t imagine she’s still singing live upside down while she’s doing stuff with this trapeze dude. But it’s impressive. And cool. I wanna try. She is swinging and leaping and it’s cool. But not at all music related. But I wanna try.

-Video of the Year presented by Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. Beyonce wins for Single Ladies. Fair.

-OMG Lady Gaga is wearing a feather wreath around her face. WTF.

-BEST THING EVER. Beyonce wins Video of the Year and announces: “I remember being 17 years old, up for my first MTV award with Destiny’s child, and it was one of the most exciting moments of my life. I would like Taylor to come out and have her moment.” The crowd goes insane. Taylor: “Maybe we could try this again?” She thanks Roman White and the actor and fans and everyone and looks so happy. BEST THING EVER.

-Jay-Z and Alicia Keys sing about NY. K. Some chick climbs up on stage and poses with them. Who are you, chick? Why does security suck?

-MJ documentary trailer.

-End.

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